I am married to an alcoholic. What should I do?

Maybe you’ve searched, “Signs my husband is an alcoholic,” or quietly wondered, “How do I know if he has a drinking problem?”

You don’t need to diagnose him to acknowledge that something feels wrong. This isn’t about labeling him — it’s about gaining clarity for yourself.

The better question isn’t simply, “Is he an alcoholic?” It’s this:
Is his drinking creating instability, fear, secrecy, or emotional harm in our home?

If the answer is yes, that matters.

You might notice patterns like broken promises to cut back, defensiveness when you bring it up, personality shifts while drinking, or responsibilities slipping. Often, the clearest sign isn’t just the alcohol — it’s how everything else feels. 

Healthy behavior can tolerate concern. Addiction often protects itself.

You may also feel the impact in your own body — tension in the evenings, monitoring his mood, adjusting yourself to keep the peace.

Remember that one bad night doesn’t define a problem. Repeated cycles do.

Clarity is the first step toward wisdom.

NOTE: We talk through this in more detail in episode #3 of the Married to Addiction podcast

One of the hardest realities is this: he may not think there’s a problem. Or he admits it — but refuses real help. Or he promises change and slips back into the same cycle.

And you’re left asking, “What do I do if he won’t change?”

First, it’s okay to grieve — the marriage you hoped for, the partnership you miss, the version of him you still see at times. There is deep powerlessness in loving someone you cannot fix.

You cannot force treatment.
You cannot argue him into recovery.
You cannot carry enough faith for both of you.

When he refuses help, the focus must shift from changing him to steadying yourself. 

That may mean learning what you can and cannot control, setting boundaries, or seeking support even if he doesn’t.

Loving him does not mean rescuing him from his choices.

You cannot make him choose change. But you can choose wisdom, stability, and support for yourself.

NOTE: We talk through this in more detail  in episode #36 of the Married to Addiction podcast

Protecting them doesn’t mean you have to have every answer. It means paying attention to their emotional safety, creating predictability where you can, and being a steady presence when things feel uncertain.

Sometimes that looks like simple, age-appropriate honesty. Not oversharing. Not blaming. Just helping them name what they’re experiencing in a way that feels safe.

It also means modeling stability — showing them what calm, healthy regulation, and truth look like, even when circumstances aren’t ideal.

And in some situations, protection may require outside support.

Every family dynamic is different.

NOTE: I talk more specifically about how to navigate these conversations and decisions in episode #110 of the Married to Addiction podcast. This is also something we work through in the Secret Sisters Circle lessons.