Finally, A podcast for the Christian wife of an alcoholic

 Do you spend a lot of time thinking about the worst case scenario in your marriage?

I sure did.

In this episode we will talk about some of the worst case scenarios that hold us hostage.

I'll also discuss...

What if it doesn’t happen?

What if it does happen?

And what if you just stay in a holding pattern for an extended period of time?

 My guest for this episode is Tanya Gioia, a Family Recovery Coach and host of the 'Sober on Purpose' podcast.

Tanya and I discuss financial infidelity, which is something that affects most marriages where addiction is involved due to the addict's continual need for substances.

We'll outline exactly what financial infidelity is, how it shows up, what to do if it is happening in your relationship, and how to protect yourself going forward.

You don't want to miss this one!

 In this episode I am speaking with one of my Secret Sisters Circle members about her journey as the wife of an alcoholic.

I think you will find SO many relatable shares in this episode.

I hope it encourages you and helps you feel less alone, knowing that others can relate to *so* many of the things that you are going through.

If you'd like to join us in the Secret Sisters Circle (or just learn more about it) just head to ⁠⁠marriedtoaddiction.com/secret-sisters-membership⁠

Are you unknowingly setting yourself up for more pain, heartache and frustration as the wife of an alcoholic?

Sometimes along this journey we end up inadvertently doing things that actually make it even harder for us.

In this episode I will share with you three things you might be doing to set yourself up, and we will talk about how they might be harming you.

If you are currently doing any of these things please know that you are not alone! I did literally all of them when my husband was deep in addiction.

But my hope with this episode is that it will shed some light for you and spare you some additional heartache going forward.

Sure wish I could've found someone to give me a dollar every time I said that back when my husband was deep in addiction! I would be rolling in the dough.

It seemed so obvious to me back then. Most of my problems stemmed from my husband's drinking. Therefore if he stopped drinking so would my problems.

In this episode we will talk about the BIG problem with this way of thinking.

I'll also give you some important shifts you can make towards a mindset that will serve you much better.

 Obviously we focus mostly on alcoholism here on the podcast because that is the type of addiction that I walked through personally with my husband.

But what about other types of addiction?

How do they differ and how are they the same?

Is there anything that we as wives need to do differently depending on what our husband is addicted to?

We'll talk about all of that in this episode.

Triggers. As wives of alcoholics we experience them daily. Sometimes even multiple times a day.

They affect us to or core: emotionally, mentally, and many times even physically. (Ever felt sick to your stomach when you realize your husband has been drinking?)

They also affect what we *do*. And sometimes we do things that are not in our best interest because of our triggers.

So in this episode I will give you some best practices for dealing with your triggers.

This is important guidance for every wife of an alcoholic.

 Staying stuck in the negativity of being married to an alcoholic is a place where most wives stay, at least for a while.

I mean, it's understandable....this is a really hard thing to go through. And it's hard not to find yourself drowning in the difficulty of it all.

Problem is that when we stay there it *poisons* us. And the longer you stay there the worse it gets.

But HOW can we not stay stuck in negativity when most everything in our lives feels negative due to our husband's drinking.

I'll offer you some tips on how to do just that in this episode.

Let's talk about silence. 

When is it good? When is it bad?

And how can we know the difference?

In this episode I'll talk about the value...and danger...of intentionally using silence in your relationship with your alcoholic husband.

 It can feel like the last thing we are concerned about as the wife of an alcoholic....caring for ourselves.

We are usually so caught up in our husband's life that we feel like we just *don't* have the time or energy to worry about us.

But as a result we fall deeper and deeper into a pit of neglect, ending up a shell of our former selves. And when you add that to all of the emotional trauma we are experiencing in our day-to-day lives it is truly a recipe for disaster.

In this episode we will talk about what 'making yourself a priority' means, what it *is* and what it *isn't*, and I'll give you three simple steps to get you started.

 Hope.

It feels like all we have sometimes as wives of alcoholics.

And sometimes we don't even have that.

In this episode I will share a shift that you need to make where hope is concerned.

And it's a *really* important one.

 That 'stuck' feeling is the worst, isn't it?

You're not happy where you are, but you don't feel like you can do anything about it.

But what if I told you that's not the case?

In this episode I'll talk about why we feel stuck, where those feeling really come from, and exactly what you can do about it.

  Does your head feel really loud right now?

Does it seem that the more you look for answers the more confused you get?

In this episode I will talk about how our search for clarity as wives of alcoholics can actually make us more confused instead.

I'll also give you some direction on a different way to approach things that will likely feel SO much better than what you have been doing.

Should you just 'wait it out' in your marriage if you don't feel like you have clear direction from God?

Not always.

In this episode I talk about five different scenarios in which you should strongly consider a change.

In these cases there is too much at stake, so it is probably best to make a change first, and then wait for divine direction from there.

In this third part of our three-part series on how we have to navigate our way through this a bit differently as Christian wives of alcoholics we are talking about the shame and isolation that can make its way into our lives.

We can begin to feel like we have nowhere to turn, and that we can't even talk to anyone at our church in a lot of cases, which keeps us in hiding.

Because of this we often feel like there is no support system for us as Christian wives of alcoholics. 

So please tune in as I discuss how this plays out, and what we can do about it.

This is the second episode in a three-part series about how this journey as the wife of an alcoholic is different for us as women of faith.

In this episode I talk about how we can encounter some confusion around our faith.

I'll also discuss the other types of difficult feelings we can come up against where our faith is concerned, and what to do with those feelings.

This is an important one. Please tune in.

This episode begins a three-part series on navigating your husband's addiction as a Christian wife.

I feel that we come up against some additional challenges when we are in this position as a woman of faith, and I think it's important to talk about those challenges.

In this episode I will discuss balancing forgiveness and empathy with boundaries.

This can be a tricky line to walk, so I hope this episode sheds some helpful light on the subject for you.

Oh, the holidays. They can seem pretty lackluster as the wife of an alcoholic.

For some of us they are the most difficult time of the whole year.

And for many of us, no one even knows what we are going through which can make it all seem that much harder. 

So first of all....I SEE YOU. I know firsthand how hard this time of year can be.

But I also want you to know that the holiday season doesn't have to be just another casualty of your husband's addiction. There are ways to make it feel a lot easier. 

Trust me when I say that you can still experience peace, and even joy, this season. Even now, in the midst of what you're going through.

In this episode we will talk about how to do just that.

You hear it on airplanes all the time: 'Put your mask on first'.

But what does that mean for us as as the wife of an alcoholic?

In this episode we talk about why 'putting our mask on first' is so important, how it can help us and those around us, and ways you can start.

If you don't feel like you can breathe right now then please listen to this episode.

So your husband has decided to attempt sobriety.

You thought you'd be blissfully happy when this time came, but are instead finding parts of it challenging, or even annoying.

In this episode we will talk about things we need to keep in mind if our husband is trying to stop drinking.

It's important for every wife to give this one a listen, even if your husband isn't currently at this point.

When my husband was addicted I became such a good detective that I bet the Scooby Doo gang would've hired me in an instant.

I worked hard to figure out all his drinking habits.

I thought I was 'good' at it, and walked around with a smug sense of pride and superiority because of it.

It hurts my heart to say that now.

Because looking back it only made things worse.

In this episode we'll talk about how we fall into playing detective, why it's so harmful, and what to do instead.

You've heard it before, I'm sure: An alcoholic has to 'be ready' for recovery.

But what does that mean exactly?

And how do they get there?

Is there anything we can do to hurry it along?

In this episode I will share an analogy with you that I think will really help you understand the concept of 'being ready' for recovery.

Thanks for tuning in.

This is a scenario I hear about a lot.

Many of our husbands' early (or even late) attempts at sobriety will be trying to do it on their own.

Is that ever successful?

What are the challenges around that?

What things can make it actually possible?

We'll talk about all of that in this episode.

It's probably been about everyone but you for a while now, hasn't it?

I get it. I was in the same position when my husband was addicted.

But here's the thing...

If you keep ignoring YOU, then you will keep sinking deeper and deeper into a pit of despair.

And that, dear sister, is no way to live.

It's time to make room for you. It's time to focus on your recovery.

I'll give you some tips on how to do just that in this episode, plus a new free resource to get you started.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

If we feel like we are being prompted to make a shift then we need to listen to that.

It can be difficult because change often feels uncomfortable, but God knows where He is trying to lead us so we need to trust that He will never steer us wrong.

In this episode we will talk about a shift that is coming for Married to Addiction, and also the possibility that it might be time for you to make a shift as well.

Will you join me?

Have you heard the term 'dry drunk'?

What does that mean?

Is your husband considered a dry drunk now?

Why does it occur?

And what can we do if our husband is exhibiting 'dry drunk' behaviors?

We will tackle all of that in this episode.

Hopefully you know by now that working on our own recovery as wives of alcoholics is vitally important.

It can help us get our lives back. It can help us get ourselves back.

But what about the ripple effect?

How does prioritizing our own personal recovery affect our other relationships, or even other parts of our lives?

We will talk about all of that in this episode.

Please listen. The effects are probably FAR more far-reaching than you think.

'I'm sorry. I love you.'

We've heard it all before. Usually after a fight with our husbands about their drinking.

Have you started just tuning it out?

Do you feel like those words are empty at this point?

Then this episode is for you.

And it might just change your mind....

Our head can be a VERY noisy place when we're the wife of an alcoholic.

'What do I do?!'

'How much has my husband had to drink today??'

'Will he be drunk when I get home?!'

'I can't take it anymore!!!'

Sound familiar?

In this episode we will talk about the dangers of staying stuck in a toxic thinking pattern...which might be a lot further reaching than you think.

I'll also share some specific ways that getting out of your head can change things in your life. 

It is truly one of the most important things we can learn to do.

This is something I get asked about on occasion, so I thought I would tackle it in a podcast episode.

Is an intervention a good idea?

Is there ever a time when it might be a bad idea?

What types of things do you need to consider before staging one?

I will discuss all of that in this episode.

Boundaries.

It's a word we are all too familiar with as wives of alcoholics.

But it also might be a word that you find really confusing.

What exactly *are* boundaries?

And why do we need them?

We'll slice right through some of that confusion in this episode.

This is one of those 'tough love' episodes.

But I only bring you tough love topics when I know they are things that I really needed to hear (and take heed of) back when my husband was addicted.

In this episode we will be talking about addiction as an idol.

The Bible warns us about having idols in our lives, so this is something we need to be aware of if it's happening.

I'll tell you how to tell if it has become an idol in your life, and what to do about it if it has.

In this episode I am speaking with Dr. Higgins from 'Wired for Addiction'.

Her work is both fascinating and incredibly important, so I wanted to make sure you knew about it.

Dr. Higgins uses genetic data to both determine someone's pre-disposition for addiction, and also treat it in a way that will be the most effective for that specific individual.

This is ground-breaking information that could completely change the way we view both addiction and mental health struggles.

Please don't miss this one!

Did you know that alcoholism can look a lot of different ways?

What are those ways?

Are some worse than others?

Is there ever a time when drinking is not a concern?

How does our husband's drinking compare to others?

Will it change over time?

I will answer ALL of those questions for you in this episode.

Be sure to tune in.

I remember feeling like I didn't have a life anymore. I had lost myself, along with every single one of my passions, hopes, and dreams.

My life was centered around my husband's addiction, leaving me feeling powerless, hopeless, and stuck.

In this episode I'll talk about getting out from under feeling 'stuck'.

I'll give you some encouragement around this, plus specific ideas of how you can get unstuck beginning today.

'A-ha!! I knew it! Look what I found!'

And so it began....yet another fight about how my husband had hidden alcohol, and how I found it, and yadda yadda....

Does that sound familiar? Does your husband hide alcohol too?

If so, this one's for you.

We will talk about why it's a problem if your husband is hiding alcohol.

But it might not be for the reason you think....

Surrendering when our husband is an alcoholic honestly sounds terrifying.

That's like taking your hands off the wheel when your car is about to crash, right?

I get it. I used to feel the same way.

But in this episode I will explain how surrendering actually makes things easier on us, not harder.

We'll talk about why to do it, how to do it, and the part we still have to play in this even after we do it.

Please listen to this one. I have a feeling you might really need to hear it.

One of the things that made the absolute biggest difference for me in my own recovery was learning what things were like for my addicted husband.

It not only made me see him in a different light, but it drastically changed the things that were spinning around in my own head on the regular and making me feel crazy.

If you don't yet believe that understanding more about addiction can help your situation then this is a MUST listen for you.

And if you already grasp that concept there are still some nuggets in here for you as well.

Basically every wife of an alcoholic needs to listen to this one....

This is the follow-up to Episode 59: Answering Your Questions.

In this episode I will be answering more of the questions that were sent in by wives of alcoholics.

Pretty sure that you have asked yourself at least one of these, so you might want to give this a listen.

I hope it helps you. 

In this episode I'm speaking with Mariah Rohne, a certified drug and alcohol counselor.

She has worked extensively with both addicts and alcoholics and brings to the table a valuable perspective about what things are like on the 'other side'.

We discuss what wives need to know about their husband's addiciton, how wives can best help their addicted spouse, and what to do if your husband says he is ready to get help.

Don't miss this one.

Raise your hand if you're a fixer.

*raises hand*

When my husband became addicted I swooped in to 'help'.

Problem was that my 'helping' soon became fixing, and it did more harm than good....for both of us.

In this episode we will talk about how fixing can be damaging, how to stop doing it, and what to do instead.

Peace can feel SO elusive as the wife of an alcoholic. 

And a new year can bring up so much anxiety about what the future might hold.

In this episode I will give you five ways to experience more peace in 2023. 

I'll also talk about why chasing peace is so critical...especially right now.

I hope you will join me for this one. 

Welcome to Season 4 of the Married to Addiction podcast! 

This episode is a bit different in that I am 'pulling back the curtain' on what is essentially the Life Manual for wives of alcoholics that I have created.

What is it? Tune in to find out, and hear allll the details!

Faith. It is vital in our lives as Christian women.

But is there ever a time when faith is not enough?

In this episode we will explore that question, and I will share with you how it can sometimes look when there is more for us to do than just having faith.

This episode is a good ol' Q&A.

I asked those on my email list what questions they had as the wife of an alcoholic and got a BUNCH of responses!

This episode will cover the first ten, but I am sure there will end up being a Part Two, so stay tuned for that.

In this episode I will answer questions about everything from finances to kids to drunk driving, so be sure to tune in.

I bet some of these are things you have been wondering about too.

I tried EVERYTHING. 

The things I thought I should do. The things 'they' said to do. 

The things that seemed right. Even some of the things that seemed wrong (I was desperate). 

But nothing worked. All I ended up with was more frustration.

I couldn't figure out why! Even when I attempted to go about things the 'right' way no

thing would change for the better.

In this episode we will be talking about some CRITICAL pre-work that we simply must do if we are ever going to meet with any type of 'success' during this journey as the wife of an alcoholic.

This is seldom talked about, but it truly changes everything. 

This life as the wife of an alcoholic feels like complete madness sometimes.

We stay in a state of heightened awareness, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

We're confused, we're scared, we don't know what to do next, and we feel as if we're hanging by a thread.

We just want to STOP the madness!

In this special episode I will tell you exactly what you need to do to stop the madness in your life, beginning right now. 

Don't miss this one.

'Bondage and Torment' are terms that we commonly associate with addiction itself, but the truth is that we as wives can suffer from these things every bit as much as our husbands.

In this episode we will talk about what a spirit of bondage and torment looks like, and how these things can take root in our lives.

I'll also give you some practical ways that you can begin to get out from under them, which is SO important since staying in a spirit of bondage and 

torment is staying in agreement with the enemy.

Please join me for this important episode.

There comes a time in our journey as the wife of an alcoholic when we need to sit down with ourselves and ask some questions.

We get so caught up in the stress and chaos of everything that's constantly coming at us that we stay in reactive mode, never taking the time to evaluate what is happening to US.

In this episode I will give you five questions that you need to ask yourself RIGHT NOW if you are the wife of an alcoholic, no matter if you have been on this journey for three months or three years.

So listen in, take some notes, honestly answer these questions, and then be good to yourself and make any changes that you need to make. Because you're SO worth it.

This can be a really hard line to walk sometimes.

We feel like our husband needs our support through this, but we also feel like we are being mistreated because of his drinking and drinking behaviors.

A lot of times women will draw a hard line in the sand on one side or the other, but that is not my stance on things.

I believe you can remain compassionate (as we are called to be) without allowing yourself to be walked on.

In this episode we will talk about some ways to manage both sides of this equation.

You know I love you, right?

Well I hope that we will still be friends after this episode because I'm dishing out a little bit of tough love.

I learned SO many things the hard way when my husband was addicted, and I don't want that for you.

That's why I'm here!!

So please tune in and listen to the one thing that changed EVERYTHING for me, and is also changing things for the women I work with.

We all have a 'To-Do' list, right? And most of the time it has WAY too much on it.

But have you ever heard of a 'To-Don't' List? 

And did you know that having one of those is actually far more important when you're the wife of an alcoholic?

In this episode I will introduce you to the 'To-Don't' list, tell you why you need one, and give you some examples of what should go on it.

If you are feeling overwhelmed (and I'm almost sure that you are) then you need to give this one a listen.

Do you have a difficult time with the idea of letting go of things you can't control?

Do you envision people who do that as walking around in a La-la land of denial?

In this episode we will talk about the difference between the two, and the truth is that they actually couldn't be more opposite.

Letting go is rooted in one thing, and being in denial is rooted in something completely different.

Give this episode a listen to learn more.

Ever feel not 'Christian-y' enough because you're struggling through this journey with your addicted husband?

Sometimes we can feel guilty, ashamed, or like we're not a good Christian if we don't have 'the joy of the Lord' all the time.

In this episode we'll tackle that head-on.

I'll talk about what to do when you feel that way, and how to give yourself some grace in the process.

I remember having a BIG problem with going to meetings when my husband was addicted.

For several different reasons, which we'll talk about in this episode.

For some of us they just aren't a good fit.

So the short answer to the 'Should I go to meetings' question is really 'It depends'.

In this episode we'll talk about who meetings are best suited for, who they may not be suited for, and what you might want to do instead.

As the wife of an alcoholic do you ever feel like you just need a timeout?!

I know I did....a LOT.

This episode is a bit different than the rest. It's for you to listen to when you feel like you want to scream, or when you feel anxious, depressed, lonely, etc.

In fact there is a scripture in this episode for most every hard feeling that you may be experiencing.  

These words can bring peace, rest, and comfort to your mind, heart, and soul.

Give it a listen. I pray it helps you.

I hear it all the time: 'But if I don't confront him he will think it's okay with me!'

Will he though??

I confronted my husband about his drinking a million times. And guess what....it didn't change a thing except for MY journey through this.

In this episode we will talk about whether or not you should confront your husband about his drinking, how confrontation might be doing just the opposite of what you want, and what you might want to try instead.

SO many wives of alcoholics tell me they feel like they are 'hanging by a thread'. And I know they truly do, because I did too.

It is such a difficult, overwhelming place to be, but you just don't know what to do to get yourself out of it.

So today I am giving you three things to focus on when you're in that spot.

Within those three main focuses are several everyday things that you can start with right now.

Even if you only implement a couple of these my hope is that these tips will give you a sense of relief....and what wife of an alcoholic doesn't need that??

'Speaking life'.

What does it mean and why should you care?

The concept of speaking life is important in general, but especially while we're in a situation such as this.

Negative words breed negative power, and positive words breed positive power.

Just like many other things....one is from God, and one is from the enemy.

But how do we actually DO this? How can we speak life into our situation, and reap the benefits from it?

Tune in to find out....

Sex. It's a topic that's not discussed much in this arena, but it's an important one that needs to be addressed.

The relationship that we as wives have with our addicted loved one is different than any other because there is a physical component.

In this episode I am speaking with Matt and Sheri from the Untoxicated Podcast, and they will be sharing both sides of how they navigated their physical relationship during Matt's addiction.

This can play out a little bit differently for each couple, depending on the particulars of the relationship, but there are a couple of things that we all agree every woman in this situation should do.

Please tune in to this one if you could use some guidance in this area.

You've probably heard me say this before: Knowing is one thing, but doing is everything.  

What exactly does that mean though?  

Well if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, and hearing a lot of suggestions to improve things but not seeing any improvement in your life then this may be for you.  

This concept is also known as 'Nothing changes if nothing changes'.  

We can have ALL the knowledge in the world, but if we do nothing with it things will stay the same.  

It can be scary to do things differently, but I guarantee that it's not as bad as what you are probably experiencing.   

Is it time for you to start doing? Listen in to find out....

Are you familiar with the Armor of God?  

If not, then I encourage you to become familiar with it, because it is the perfect thing for us to 'put on' as wives of alcoholics.   

The Armor of God will help us protect our minds, hearts, and spirits during times of trouble.   

It's what we should wear during spiritual warfare....and having addiction in our homes requires spiritual warfare.  

Please tune in to this episode to learn more about the armor of God, and how it can help protect us during this difficult journey.

It's kind of the elephant in the room. The thought crosses all of our minds from time to time: 'What if my husband never gets sober??'

It's a hard thing to think about, but does that mean we are doomed to a life of misery if it happens? Absolutely NOT.

In this episode we'll talk about a couple of aspects of this. 

What would our physical situation look like? What are our options?

What would our spiritual life look like? Could there be any sort of reason for all of this?

I know it's not a fun question, but I truly think every wife of an alcoholic needs to listen to this one.

CHAOS. That's what my life was when my husband was deep in addiction.  

I was either constantly being pulled under by all of the awful things that were happening around me, or frantically trying to employ whatever 'damage control' I thought I could to keep things from getting worse.   

It was a devastating way to live, and it negatively affected every area of my life.

  If you can relate to any of that, then this episode is for you. 

In it I will give you five ways to exit the whirlwind of chaos that you're probably living in.   

These are things I really wish I had done back when I was in the thick of it. Please give this episode a listen.  

This is something I get asked a lot: What about my kids?   

As mamas we worry about our kids anyway, but even moreso when they are in a home with an alcoholic parent.  

In this episode I will share with you some of the things I wish I had done differently when my husband was deep in addiction where my kids were concerned.   

I'll also give you some great resources that can help you help them through this difficult time.   

Sometimes walking this path is SO confusing.

Why are we being put through this? Why isn't God coming to our rescue? Why are we having to suffer??

In this episode I'll give you some perspective that I think might change the way you look at things.

If you feel like your life is nothing but endless suffering right now, then please give this episode a listen. 

The Married to Addiction podcast is one year old today!

In this episode I will share with you some of the podcast's statistics, and we'll talk about the most listened to episodes, along with what the future holds.

I also want to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you who have tuned in, whether you have listened once, or have heard every episode. YOU are the reason I'm here and I am so grateful for you!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU

Do you think you have only two options as the wife of an alcoholic?

1. Stay and be miserable until your husband gets sober

2. Leave

If you're like I was then neither of those is what you want.

Truth is those aren't your only options.

There are actually four different ways that being married to an alcoholic can play out, and we will talk about those in today's episode.

The Bible says 'Faith without works is dead'.

But what does that really mean? And how do we know exactly what is our part in a situation, and what is God's part?

I was fuzzy on that for a good long while.

But discernment here is especially important for the wife of an alcoholic, so in this episode we are talking about how to find the line between faith and works, and how to do each part correctly.

There is actually a pretty simple way to tell if your 'faith and works' are in proper balance. 

Tune in to this episode to learn how.

Way back in Episode 4 we talked about some critical mindset shifts for the wife of an alcoholic, and that has since become my most listened to episode ever. 

That being the case I knew it must've resonated with many of my listeners, so I wanted to do a follow up episode.

In this episode I will share with you five MORE critical mindset shifts for the wife of an alcoholic. 

These are all things that I frequently see women being tripped up by, which ultimately makes things harder for them. 

But it doesn't have to be that way.

Please tune into this episode to see if any of these things are continuously running through YOUR mind, and get some guidance on what to do if they are.

Dark. It was so dark. 

I was constantly bound by feelings of oppression. And that's exactly how the enemy wanted it.

I now know that there is another way.

In this episode we'll talk about getting out from under living in dark places, EVEN IF we are going through really hard things.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by the weight of it all, then I really hope you give this episode a listen. 

In this episode I chat with Amy LaRue from Finding Hope.   

Amy is a fellow wife of an alcoholic with a story to share that sounds like many of our own: a story of confusion, fear, and isolation.  

But her story didn't end there. 

She is now the Coordinator for Finding Hope, an organization that supports families of addicted loved ones, and she has such a beautiful testimony to share of how God used it all for good!

Please tune in to hear my talk with Amy, and get filled up with encouragement and hope.  

Do you feel like you're not getting your needs met because your husband is addicted?  

I already know the answer to that, because it is probably the same as mine was.  

When you're the wife of an alcoholic it often feels like you're hanging by a thread.  

And NO, you don't feel like ANY of your needs are being met. In fact you usually just drag through your days feeling hollow and empty.  

If that sounds like you, then this pre-Valentine's Day episode is for you.   

Because it doesn't have to be that way.

In the last episode we talked about understanding addiction as a disease, and how that can lead us to empathy.

In this episode we will talk about how to not let empathy lead you into enabling.

This can be a tricky line sometimes.

So how do we effectively stay on the mercy side of the line without drifting over into the enabling side?

Tune in to hear the one important thing you can do that will make it so much easier. 

I think one of the hardest things for wives of alcoholics is that we just don't understand our husband's addiction, which makes it that much harder to handle it.

How much of it is a choice, and how much of it is something they truly are powerless over?

In this episode we will discuss addiction as a disease. 

You'll get some insight into what is actually happening to our addicted husbands, as well as some guidance on what to do with that information.

You'll also get some direction from God's Word as well.

This one is really important. I hope you listen.

This is a loaded subject, because reaction to this from wives of alcoholics usually runs the gamut from 'I HATE alcohol and would never touch it!' to 'Why should I have to change MY drinking habits because HE has a drinking problem?'

So today we're going to dive into this head-on.

I'll share a few things I think are important to consider when making this decision for yourself.

We'll also talk about some ways that alcohol affects our side of things that you might not have thought about.

And I'll share what I consider to be the #1 reason why you need to give this some serious thought.

PS: Be sure to listen to the postscript I added to the episode for anyone whose husband is currently in recovery.

When we marry our husbands we usually don't have any indication that we will be married to an alcoholic. And if we do, we usually don't think it's 'that bad'.

But one of the main problems with alcoholism is that it is a progressive disease, meaning that it gets worse over time.

Unfortunately that is also what happens to most alcoholic relationships as well.

In this episode we will talk about what that progression looks like, and what you absolutely MUST be doing as the relationship with the alcoholic progresses and/or deteriorates.

You've probably heard the phrase 'One day at a time' as it relates to an alcoholic's recovery.

But what does it mean for us?

In this episode we'll talk about how that concept is different for the wife of an alcoholic, but just as important.

If you frequently find yourself in the midst of fear, anxiety, and overwhelm then you need to give this one a listen.

If you're anything like I was when my husband was deep in addiction you may find yourself listening to this podcast and shaking your head a lot.

To be honest, I'm not even sure I would have liked this podcast back then, because I thought that a lot of the 'advice' I heard for wives of alcoholics was ridiculous.

But I didn't know then what I know now.

So if you have found yourself thinking things like 'That won't work for me', 'That's not applicable in my situation', or 'That won't help', then this episode is for YOU.

I know how it feels to be fairly closed off to many of the suggestions you may have heard here. 

But I ask that you give this episode a listen, and then give that some more thought.

"I've GOT to make this stop!"

This is one of our first reactions when our husband's drinking starts to spiral out of control.

We would do anything and everything to get him to stop, and to get our lives back to normal.

So that's exactly what we do. We try to control anything and everything around his drinking.

Problem is that it is all an illusion. It is not going to fix it. In fact in most cases it only makes it ten times worse.

In this episode we will talk about why trying to control things can be so destructive in this situation, and what we should be doing instead. 

My husband and I just celebrated our 13th anniversary. 

And sometimes I can still hardly believe that we are here.

Things haven't just been bad for us in the past, they have been absolutely nightmarish.

In this episode I will share some of the most difficult parts of our journey through addiction, and also give you the dose of encouragement and hope that I so desperately needed back then.

Are you codependent? 

Do you even feel like you know what that means?

I wasn't sure I did for the longest time, and then once I started grasping the concept I thought 'That's not me. I'm just trying to help.'

I know now how wrong that statement was. 

In this episode we will talk about what codependency is, how it hurts your husband and his recovery, and how it hurts YOU.

Please give this one a listen. This is one of the most important things for us to recognize and change when walking this path as the wife of an alcoholic.

This might be THE biggest question that wives of alcoholics have: Should I stay, or should I go?

Everyone's situation is different, and I will never tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do.

But in this episode I wanted to give you some things that I think should at least be considered in a situation like this. 

I hope it helps shed some light. 

I will never forget the first time I heard 'renewal of the mind' actually explained. 

I had heard about the concept before, but I didn't really understand what it was, much less how to do it. 

Once I was enlightened I remember thinking 'Wait! We can actually DO that??'

Then I started practicing it and it changed my life. 

Not kidding. That's why it's the very first thing I have you work on when you enter my Secret Sisters Circle membership.

If renewal of mind is a new concept to you (or even if you've heard of it before but don't regularly practice it) I encourage you to listen in on my conversation with Alicia Michelle of Vibrant Christian Living.

Alicia Michelle is a certified NeuroCoach, and in this episode she walks us through the what, why, and how of renewing our mind.

I promise that if you put these things into practice you will experience some life changes too. Please be sure to give this one a listen.

You wish things could go back to the way they were. 

This was not the relationship you wanted. 

This was not the relationship you thought you were getting.

At it's most fundamental level it's loss, and it's okay to grieve that loss.

But in this episode we'll also talk about the second part of that. The 'what to do next' part.

Because it's okay to grieve your relationship....but you can't stay there.

Have you experienced this?

You say you want to go to an Alanon meeting, or join the Secret Sisters Circle, or get counseling, or whatever else to help you deal with your husband's alcoholism and he gets mad.

He tells you that it won't help you, or that they're just going to 'fill your head with lies', or that he feels like you're going behind his back, etc etc.

It basically just causes another fight....and the last thing you want is another fight.

So you just drop the subject and give up on getting any help or support for yourself.

That is exactly where the addiction wants you, and that is exactly where the enemy wants you.

In this episode we'll talk about how to navigate this and how you can move forward. Because you need to move forward.

Sometimes I think it's even harder to be the wife of an alcoholic when you're a Christian.

Why? Because we're not 'supposed to' have problems like this, right? 

At least that's the perception, both outside and even inside the church.

This just adds to our already overwhelming shame, guilt, confusion, and isolation.

In this episode we will talk about the stigma around Christian families dealing with addiction.

We'll also talk about what you should do if your life is being affected by this. 

We don't even know it's happening. We're just trying to survive the day-to-day.

We move through the weeks....months....years....and don't realize how much we're changing because of what we've been through. 

Wives of alcoholics experience trauma. That trauma creates a near-constant state of apprehension, and keeps us in high alert mode.

It is really difficult to live like that and creates 'blind spots' in the background. 

We aren't seeing things as the really are. We don't recognize that the patterns we have fallen into are destructive to us. 

In this episode we'll talk about that, as well as what you can do to clear those blind spots. 

I am super excited to share this conversation with you all, because it is SO IMPORTANT.

In this episode I am talking to Dawn Ward of The Faith to Flourish and Christian Moms of Addicted Children.

Dawn and I are of like mind when it comes to treating addiction: One size does not fit all.

That's because there are actually three different layers to addiction, but for some reason this is rarely talked about.

We both believe that you not only have to address every layer when formulating a recovery plan, but ALSO have to take into consideration the individual's needs, which can vary greatly person to person.

Today Dawn and I will discuss what those layers are, and how they affected our own loved ones' recovery journey.

Looking back on my journey with my husband through his years of active addiction I can see SO many things that I did do that I shouldn't have, and SO many things that I didn't do that I should have.

Today I will share with you the five things that I most wish I would have done differently.

Sometimes we just can't see things objectively when we are in the middle of them. 

I had a friend who had walked a similar path with her husband. She tried to tell me the things that I should be changing, but I didn't really want to listen. Now I know that if I had it would have made my journey (and my husband's journey) so much easier.

Today I want to be that friend to you. Please approach this episode with an open heart.

Love you, sister.

When my husband was struggling with alcohol addiction it used to frustrate me SO MUCH to hear 'There's really nothing you can do.'.

I used to wonder how in the world I was going to survive such a difficult situation for an undetermined amount of time.

So today I want to give you hope.

I want to show you that there actually are some things you can do to help your husband, yourself, and anyone else in your household who is being affected.

This situation doesn't have to be just constant misery, anxiety, and hopelessness.

Please give this episode a listen.

Well, this was the first time I've ever cried on the podcast....but it probably won't be the last.

In this episode we will talk about the stages of recovery. 

I'll let this episode speak for itself, but suffice it to say that if you only listen to ONE of my podcast episodes this should be the one.

(Just in case you didn't have a chance to jot down my email address during the episode: julie@marriedtoaddiction.com)

I used to think that detachment sounded cold and uncaring. 

How could I possibly detach from my husband right now?? And why would I want to at a time when he needs me the most?

I didn't realize that detachment wasn't about that at all.

In fact, it was one of the best things I could do....for both of us.

In this episode we'll talk about what detachment really means, how to do it in a healthy way, and why it's so important. 

All of us have heard of 'self-care', but self care looks very different for the wife of an alcoholic.

Manicures, bubble baths, and all the rest do little to nothing for us, because we are just trying to SURVIVE.

In this episode we will talk about what self care should look like if we have an alcoholic husband.

I'll outline the three things that I consider to be THE most important things to concentrate on when it comes to caring for yourself right now.

I know you don't have a lot of (or even any) reserves, so start right here...

Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? 

How can you grow when you feel like you're constantly being pulled under by a tidal wave??

I was there for SO long. Just angry and resentful and trying to get through the days. 

Growing in my faith or in any other kind of way was the furthest thing from my mind.

But now that I'm on the other side of it I can see so clearly how much it ended up changing me for the better. It definitely took a while, but I finally got there.

Opening your heart to the things we'll talk about in this episode can make this journey so much easier....even while you're still in it. 

'My husband keeps choosing alcohol over me.'

That is what I thought for a long time and it drastically affected my marriage, my approach to my husband's addiction, and my psyche.

This is a common thought for wives of alcoholics, but today I want to share with you why I now 100% believe that choice as it relates to alcoholism is a myth.

In this episode I'll talk about how I arrived at this decision through research, being involved with my husband's treatment program, and the catastrophic events in our personal lives that let me know beyond a shadow of a doubt that all 'choice' had been completely removed.

So if you are someone who is struggling with the fact that your husband keeps 'choosing' alcohol over you then I strongly encourage you to give this episode a listen.

I didn't want to hear it!!!

The notion that *I* needed 'help' or recovery was downright ridiculous to me when my husband was deep in addiction.

But then things got harder and harder for me. I started having trouble at work, physical issues, and full-blown mental breakdowns.

I finally realized that I was sick too.

In this episode we will talk about three signs that you need recovery too, and also why it's SO critical that you get it.

This is an important episode. Please listen. 

We all know that we should try to 'love as Jesus loved', but I don't think there is any circumstance that makes that more difficult than being married to an alcoholic.

Between the defensiveness and empty promises and personality changes, our addicted husband came sometimes make feeling love or compassion a true challenge.

But how do we do that in spite of all that? And why should we even bother when he is not reciprocating?

In this episode we will talk about compassion as it relates to our alcoholic. The why AND the how.

I hope you'll give this one a listen.

We hear we should do things like 'accept what we cannot change', 'detach with love' and 'create healthy boundaries'.

 But when you're stuck in the middle of the storm of addiction with someone it can feel almost impossible to do those things sometimes.

That's because there is a super critical step that needs to come BEFORE we try to do those things, but no one ever talks about it.

In this episode I will share that pre-step with you, and explain how it can make all the difference in the world when you're the wife of an alcoholic.  

One of the statements that I think is SO true for most wives of alcoholics is 'You don't know what you don't know.'.

I did everything wrong for the first couple of years that my husband was struggling with addiction.

But I absolutely did not know that at the time! 

I thought I was 'helping', and I tried a million different things and a million different tactics.

After learning the hard way that my 'helping' was most certainly not helping I turned a corner and it changed everything. 

In this episode we will talk about what I consider to be five of the most important things we need to change our minds about if we are walking through addiction with our husband.  

I asked myself a lot of questions at the beginning of my journey as the wife of an alcoholic.

Did my husband really have a problem with alcohol or was I just being over-sensitive?

Were the things that I was noticing fairly common, or not so much?

Had I just become more aware of how much he was drinking, or had it actually increased?

Just how much was 'a lot' of alcohol per day? Did other people's husbands drink as much as mine?

In this episode we will talk about how you can identify a drinking problem, and what to do about it if you do.

If you're like me maybe you've looked into some of the resources and organizations that offer help for family members of alcoholics, but they've missed the mark for you in one way or another.

That's how Married to Addiction was born.

I created it to 'fill in the gaps' that I found elsewhere. 

In this episode I'll let you know how Married to Addiction is different, and how it was designed especially for YOU and what YOU need.

I'm so thrilled to bring the 'Married to Addiction' podcast to you. 

It is for the wife of an alcoholic by the wife of an alcoholic, and my prayer is that it will serve as a great source of encouragement, support, and help for you.

In this initial episode I will be giving you a brief intro into who I am, as well as a bit about my story and what you can expect from this podcast going forward. 

Thanks so much for being here. So much love to you.